Just Beth

Gratuitous funny dog picture

I hate puking.  I’m sure you do, too… I mean, I’ve NEVER heard anyone saying that they love a good vomit session, have you?  Anyway, I think the instinctual abhorrence of vomiting is pretty universal.  I’ve been doing a LOT of puking lately…  I’m pregnant for one thing, and while that doesn’t always mean that you WILL puke, I am.  Plus, I just had the flu.  It got me thinking that I might have more than your average experience with puking, and that I ought to share my experiences with others.  So here you go, my advice on how to make your upchucking experience just a little less horrifying.

First, try to think about what you’re eating.  You know it’s going to come back, so you might as well plan for it a little.  I don’t know about you, but puking nothing or BILE is the absolute worst of the worst.  If you can eat something, you’ll have more energy after you upchuck, plus you can pre-determine what it will taste like on the way back out.  Avoid things that are fibrous or crunchy, like carrots, Triscuits or anything with a corner.  Also avoid milk products if possible, because curdling your own milk is really vile.  If you’re pretty sure you’re going to puke before you get a curdle on, though, try eating some fruit loops.  Yes, I’m serious.  They’re sweet and delicious either way, coming or going.  Or coming and coming back…?  Also avoid eggs, anything spicy and tomatoes.  You don’t want any of those things coming back to visit.

Next, think about where you’re going to puke.  The obvious choice is the toilet, but I suggest you try other places.  Just LOOKING at the toilet makes me gag a little because I’ve puked into it so often.  I don’t need more help, thank you very much.  Plus, I have ONE toilet at my house.  It’s always disgusting, no matter if I’ve just cleaned it or not.  Also, I don’t know if chicks who haven’t had kids have the same problem, but I pee my pants ALL THE TIME these days.  When I cough too hard or laugh or sneeze, and ESPECIALLY if I’m crouched around the god-damned toilet hurling my guts out.  When we had the flu here recently, it wasn’t always possible to puke into the toilet so I started puking elsewhere.  I tried the sink, but not only was it a little small and shallow, the stopper got in the way of my chunkage, and therefore caused some extra needless ralphing.  My new personal favorite place to toss my cookies is the bathtub.  Now, you DO have to clean the bathtub better and there is definitely more surface area, but being able to sit on the edge and hold myself up and away from the vomit splash was PRICELESS.  It also stemmed my pee flow, which was awesome.

Last, but certainly not least, don’t hold back.  Don’t try NOT to puke, don’t try to be quiet or ladylike about it, don’t FRONT.  It’s awful, everyone knows it is awful, holding it in is just torture for yourself.  If you’re anywhere near me when I puke, I make HORRIBLE noises, I KNOW.  Yes, I’m dying.  No, you don’t need to hold my hair.  You can, however, clean the bathroom when I’m done.

Any questions?  Did I leave anything out?  And you’re welcome, enjoy!

***

update:  someone who is experiencing the nth degree of morning sickness suggested peaches as being something equally sweet and tasty coming up as they were down, and to try puking outdoors.  I love peaches and will try them ASAP, and I agree with the outdoor thing, but my dogs love puke (and poop) so I just can’t do it.  It IS a great idea, however, and something to keep in your repertoire regardless.

*my* version of Cynthia Lair's Read Bean and Quinoa Chilli

I started cooking about three years ago.  Yes, you read that correctly.  Yes, I have a fourteen year old, a three year old and a two year old.  See, I spent most of my teen years pretending I didn’t exist, hiding in my bedroom with a novel shoved under the covers and acting like I was doing my homework.  My mom was a good cook, and she scared the hell out of me, so I stayed OUT of the kitchen and decided I wasn’t the Stay-At-Home-Mom TYPE.  (*GUFFAW*)  I entered my adulthood truly handicapped and without skills.

When I got pregnant with my eldest, his father had been working at a restaurant as a cook.  He was (is) a great cook, actually… when we were together we were going to start a restaurant and call it “Stick O’Butter”, because everything he made was delicious and he usually used an entire stick of butter in it’s preparation.  God, sometimes I miss the South.

Anyway, then when I married Andy, he was also the cook in the relationship.  I won’t get too far into it, but the man can make a three course meal including stuffed Portabello mushrooms and crab legs on a hot plate.  True story.

Don’t get me wrong; I used to cook the SHIT out of a couple of chicken breasts, topped with a slice of cheese, brown rice and broccoli for my eldest about three times a week.  I could also boil pasta and heat up spaghetti sauce, and make my mothers tuna casserole, which no one but me ever eats even to this day.

Then I met Cynthia Lair.  She is my mentor; my guru.  It was happenstance, really… see, I was attending my very first La Leche League Conference in October of ’06, and had a time where there wasn’t anything I truly WANTED to attend, and so went to her session on Whole Food cooking for the family.  It was before everyone on the planet figured out the goodness of whole foods, and I feel that I was a big part of the reason everyone is eating so well these days.  *wink*

I bought her cookbook, (which she SIGNED,  woot!!) took it home and studied it like a bible.  I picked what I thought would be yummy, made lists and lists of ingredients and spices, and started cooking.  It was hard at first, but it was like a trial by fire and now I feel like I can actually COOK.

Nothing frightens me (cooking wise, anyway!) anymore.  So when my friend Lorna started putting recipes on her blog, I tried them.  Well, OK, sorry Lorna, but I tried ONE.  This one, the one for refried beans.  And OMG, they’re DELICIOUS.  I highly recommend them!

Crock Pot Refried Beans

Ingredients:

3 cups dry pinto beans
9 cups water
1 onion, diced
1/2 jalapeno pepper, de-seeded and minced (WEAR GLOVES FOR THIS.  I’m not joking.  and if you don’t use gloves, do NOT use the potty for the next twenty four hours.  Trust me.)
3 cloves garlic, minced
1/2 tsp cumin
2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp black pepper

I don’t pre-soak these, although Ms. Lair would.  She would also add some kombu to hers… kombu is a sea vegetable (read; seaweed) that adds iron and other good for you minerals to your beans.  I bought a package and used all of it…  if you want to try, you would cook the beans and kombu and then remove the kombu before you mash the beans.  It’s slimy and difficult to get all the way ‘out’, just so you know.  And yes, you should get it all out.

Anyway, so you throw everything into the crockpot and cook it.  Honestly, that’s it.  When it’s done cooking, you’ll know because you will be able to easily mash the beans (and it will smell divine).  I will normally put mine together at night and set it on low for ten hours, that usually does it.  You can put it on high for six hours if you’re in a hurry, but I would recommend doing it slowly.

When the beans are done, drain as much of the water as you can, SAVE IT, and mash them with a potato masher.  You can put them in a blender if you’d like, but I find that the consistency is better using a masher.  You will need to reintroduce the liquid as you mash to get your desired consistency.  You will also want to have some of the liquid on hand if you are going to re-heat them.  I’ve kept mine going and good for nearly a week this way.  I haven’t had the opportunity to freeze them, although I made a double batch today and I am going to try freezing some of them.

There you have it!  Enjoy!

~xo, b!

I actually have a resolution this year.  I keep trying NOT to, but I always end up saying some crap like ‘I vow to lose weight and be more patient with my kids and get organized and I WILL stop gossiping”… you know, stuff you’re never going to actually DO, right at the stroke of midnight.  Then I spend the next twelve months disappointing myself.  It’s not really healthy, you know?

So I decided to make one.  Just one.  I just might be able to handle ONE.  Uh, one that doesn’t involve dieting.  Tried THAT about a billion times before I figured out it was just never going to work like that.

Here it is, with much pomp and circumstance (I totally almost wrote circumcision)(not really.  I’m not quite that witty)…

I am going to STOP being LATE.

I know.  Did you fall down just now?  My family members who read this just did.  SORRY GLENDALE!  SCOTTSDALE!! SANTA BARBARA, WAIKIKI…NOT AN EARTHQUAKE, JUST MY FAMILY FAINTING IN DISBELIEF.

Unorganized, perpetually procrastinating individuals tend to be late, I’m not sure if you knew that.  They can be lots of OTHER things, too, like brilliant and beautiful and talented and very, very sorry that they’re late.  Also, in my defense, I’m not one of ‘those’ obnoxious late-ies who constantly rely on how TERRIBLE the traffic was.  I mean, at least be CREATIVE if you’re going to be late and then LIE about it.  Gah.  Losers.

As for me, I am late for very different, very real reasons every time.  Like the time I locked my keys in the house with the kids in the car and had to shimmy (SHIMMY) through a window that I used a DOLLY as a ladder to get up to.  And then launched myself onto the guest bed.

Being late…its practically not my fault.

However.  I am now technically a ‘grown-up’ and should therefore act a little more accordingly.

Ew.  That just totally kind of ruined it for me.

Fuck.

Maybe I’ll resolve to not be so goddamn self destructive instead.  I’m nearly embarassed of myself.  Sheesh.

Anyway.  Happy New Year!  Do you have any resolutions?