Just Beth

We are pregnant with our fourth child.  I’m so excited and nervous… is this ever going to feel like something I ‘meant’ to do?  I don’t know if it’s the surprise/shock/horror I heard in my mother’s voice when I told her, or the guilt I feel for not being richer before having more kids, but I still feel a little bit like a kid who made a mistake.

The other part of how I feel is absolute euphoria.  I’m so excited for this pregnancy, this birth, this baby.  I’m so excited to bring another awesome and amazing person into this beautiful world.  I’m excited about another opportunity to have the birth that I have always wanted – a completely non-medicated, at-home birth.

Part of how I intend to prepare for this birth is hashing out my concerns and experiences here.  I think it’s pretty interesting that I’m about to have my FOURTH child, and still feel like I’m tackling it for the first time.  I’d thought it was supposed to be ‘old hat’ by now!  Maybe everyone feels this way to a point, I don’t know.  I just know that this time, I’m doing it MY way.

I’m currently reading The Natural Pregnancy Book by Aviva Jill Romm.  Now, normally I’ll consume a book in about as much time as it takes most men to take a crap, UNLESS it’s a book that I’m trying to learn from.  Then, as now, I feel nearly illiterate in my slow and methodical absorption.  However; I Love This Book.  She’s talking about getting re-in touch with your body and understanding it’s cues… something I think is WAY overlooked in today’s society.  For instance.  I feel that I am fairly well in tuned with my body.  I’m pretty sure I know the day I conceived this baby, even though it didn’t show up on any test for a few weeks.  She applauds this sort of understanding of one’s self, instead of insisting that I ‘need’ a medical ‘expert’ to tell me what I already know.  I love that.  I love that I’ve already realized that a major hang up of mine has been bad body image.  I mean, DUH, I’m a woman and I grew up a large-boned curvy chick in L.A.  Of COURSE I have body image issues.  However, part of my personal issue is that I am afraid that because I’m fat and out of shape, that my uterus is not strong enough to push a baby out.  How asinine is that?!?  I’VE HAD THREE KIDS!  And I’m STILL afraid that I’m not strong enough!  I’m going to talk at LENGHT with my birth team about this issue, until I can get PAST it, and allow my body to do what it is meant to do… and what it has already proven it CAN do!

The other things I’ve realized haven’t come directly from reading this book, but from experience.  I absolutely refuse -JE SUIS REFUSE- to discuss or agree to a ‘Due Date’.  REFUSE.  The stress I’ve had (other than those hurled at me by thoughtless house guests and broken promises) has revolved around the idea that I was ‘supposed’ to have my baby on a certain date, and that I had to leave my other kid while I went somewhere to have the new one.

Fucking BLEW, I’ll tell you what.

So first things first, having a home-birth and NO discussion of ‘due dates’ should be a good start.

The other thing that I need to mention is the amazing community and friendships I now have to support me and my family during this process.  I cannot begin to tell you how important this is.  The family we have up here are… well, I love them to death, but they’re busy with their own lives.  Sucks for me, but there’s nothing I can complain about, you know?  My family is scattered and young and broke, so not much support there (they can’t come help or anything, for instance).  But my friends, oh my god.  I have the BEST friends ever.  The knowledge that I will be able to call on them for advice and support and actual, real live HELP surrounding the time of my birth is beyond comparable, and absolutely without doubt going to make this experience TRUCKLOADS better than my last three.

THREE.  I’m about to have my fourth child and I feel like I’m doing something brand new.  And I am.  I’m going to have this baby on my terms, with confidence in my heart and peace in my soul.  It’s going to be awesome.