Just Beth

What’s the difference between being ‘fair’ and being ‘jealous’?

My husband, whom I adore, can sometimes be a selfish jerk.  I’m sure you’re shocked.  He tends to do whatever it is he feels like doing, whenever he feels like doing it.  Since the advent of our progeny he’s gotten much less self involved; however, he will from time to time simply make a decision to do something and that’s it.

For instance.

Last summer, he spent a week on vacation with his best friend.  Fishing and road-tripping.  I ‘let’ him go because he needed and deserved the time off.  However, it was understood at the time (or so I naively thought) that I, too, was going to take a trip.  I was going to go to one of my very best, very oldest, very dearest friends’ wedding in Yosemite, and would also stop to see one of my other old, best, dearest and also very ILL friends in the Bay Area.  All together a three-day trip for me.  And very, very important.  To me.  As was his fishing trip to Tahoe very important to him.

Obviously, I didn’t get to take my trip.  And I was pissed and hurt and sad, even though I was a part of the reasoning behind not taking it.  I wanted to take my eldest; I wanted to go longer; I didn’t want to leave Sally… and in the end, we simply couldn’t afford it, so none of that mattered anyway.  Yet I cried, I stomped my inner feet and clenched my fists and cursed him for going on his trip, that we also couldn’t afford, while I wasn’t able to go on mine.

Is that jealousy?  I know that it is in part; I’m insanely jealous that he got to go on vacation with his best friend and I didn’t.  Isn’t it also unfair?  Why didn’t I get to go? What’s the difference?

Take tonight for another instance.  He stopped by a friend’s house earlier today, and this friend wanted to go to the baseball game, is a huge fan of the ‘other’ team.  This friend obviously wanted Andy to go, and obviously it sounded good to Andy, and so Andy went.  I asked if I could go, and his reply was that there simply wasn’t time to find a babysitter, etc.  So here I am, Wednesday night, alone.  Bored.  Resentful.  And planning what kind of fun activities I’m going to do this weekend while he stays home with the kids.  Again, is that jealousy?  Am I only trying to ‘get back’ at him for having fun without me?  That’s his claim… (he heard THIS next jewel on some stupid radio “Man Show”…) that women hate it when men have fun without them, and that is why they throw fits when a guy wants to go hang with his buddies (yes, he says these things to me.  I truly believe that he’s kidding.  Maybe way down deep, but kidding none the less.)

Hear me on this; I have always understood Andy.  I knew him when we were both sixteen, we dated for more than three years, and I chose to marry him despite and because of the difficulties he brings with him (and he mine, that goes without saying).  I realized a long time ago that I could either accept Andy as he is and be with him or not and find someone else.  I chose him, I choose him, I love him.  He’s not one to change and truthfully I wouldn’t change him.  Life with him can be difficult, however; his choice of profession(s), his idiosyncracies and lifestyle choices make life with him more difficult than it would be with a ‘normal’ guy.   And life with him is also more amazing and challenging and all the good stuff that comes with being with a man who is such an extremist.

So I’m not trying to change him, I know that he will continue to do what he has always done, and that is whatever the most fun thing is at the moment.  Now, I’m to the point however that I want MINE, too.  I want to do things and I’ve come to the realization that if I don’t stand up and be firm, I’ll never get what *I* think I deserve.  How to do that, though, without resorting to acting jealous and spiteful?

I feel like I’m keeping score… fuck, I AM keeping score, and I’m LOSING.  How much is too much?  Am I making this an issue because I’m jealous?  I am jealous, but am I jealous for good reason?  Or am I trying to make a stink because I’m LOSING?  It doesn’t seem fair to me, and I’m feeling petty and jealous.  I have no frame of reference at this point, so I’m asking… do you ‘let’ your husbands out on a regular basis?  Would your husband have gone on a week long fishing trip with his best friend without you?  Would that have been OK with you?  Am I just keeping score and looking for a fight?  Should I drop it, or put my foot down and fight for some ‘my time’, even though this will undoubtedly cause an argument?  How do I stand up for myself?  I can’t seem to find the middle ground between demanding my own adventure and being understanding about his right to his own.

Shitballs.